


Found Peace (In All the Cracks)

by Dont_Feed_Da_Elves



Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Proofread, Overuse of italics, and yet here we are, discussions of jeff, i wrote this in like two hours so its probs super bad, ive been posting fic for over a decade youd think i know how to use tags at this point, no beta we die like men, rip in pieces protien bar, so many episode tags idk man, these two need more interactions, too many parantheses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 07:08:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18493912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Feed_Da_Elves/pseuds/Dont_Feed_Da_Elves
Summary: Tragedy affects everyone differently. Lucky for Gordon, he has a very astute big brother who can tell when things aren't right, even if it does take longer than usual for him to figure it out.





	Found Peace (In All the Cracks)

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching the series and something struck me as odd a few times. Gordon, the water-loving fish boy we all know and adore, stated several times that he wanted to fly a rocket, or Thunderbird Two, or go into space. And it got me thinking, because we all _know_ that Gords doesn't like it (fanon, at least).
> 
> So why does he seem so desperate to get out of the water and into the air?
> 
> And this was born so...
> 
> Enjoy?

Scott found his brother outside, sitting with one foot dangling in the pool as the light of the day surrendered to the first stars of the invading night. His other foot was pressed flat against the concrete, an arm pulling it close to his chest as his chin rested on his bent knee. Scott stood in the doorway that led inside for a brief moment, watching this rare display of melancholy from his normally boisterous younger brother.

It was only when he saw Gordon’s shoulders heave in a world-bearing sigh that he mentally shook himself and walked over, making enough noise for Gordon to hear him. When he was about a yard away, Gordon seemed to tear his eyes eyes from his beloved water to glance up at him as Scott gently lowered himself next to him, letting his own feet hang in the warm water as he handed over the small protein bar in his hand.

“Thanks,” Gordon said, taking the small bar. He gripped it carefully in his free hand and lay his chin back on his knee.

“We missed you at dinner,” Scott replied, leaning back on his hands and kicking his legs slightly.

Gordon hummed, but said no more. Scott let his eyes roam the darkening sky, picking out the first constellations that began to show themselves and calculating in his head where, exactly, Thunderbird Five would be located at this moment, trying to find it among the twinkling stars. When that proved impossible, he turned his gaze to his brother once more.

Gordon had been unnaturally quiet the last few weeks. The lack of pranks had been a relief at first, but the longer the house remained a safe zone, the more Scott worried. It was unlike the fourth Tracy son to remain on the straight and narrow this long. Add the random bursts of annoyed anger and an entirely new level of sarcasm that fell more in line with John, and Scott’s Older Brother Senses were tingling.

Still, Scott had waited it out until Gordon found it in himself to go to either him, or Virgil, or even John to confess whatever was bothering him. It usually took some time, but Gordon could only internalize something for so long before it was fit to burst. But a short conference with the other two only confirmed that not only had Gordon not approached either of them either, but that Scott’s worry wasn’t for naught.

Missing dinner was the icing on the cake.

So Scott, knowing his brothers better than they knew themselves, set out to find what was eating his younger brother.

He sat in silence next to Gordon as the sun set, a dark, navy blue painting the sky in preparation for black, the last golden layer of sunlight quickly succumbing over the edge of the island. The outside lights, programmed on a timer, flicked on, small bugs flitting around them.

And Gordon remained unnaturally still and quiet.

“It’s warm tonight,” Scott said. He sat up, staring ahead while watching his brother out of the corner of his eye.

Gordon shrugged. “I guess.”

“Nice night for a swim, hm?”

Another shrug, but Scott didn’t miss the crinkling of the protein bar wrapper as Gordon’s fingers clenched.

“I’ll race you.”

There was a pause, and then Gordon shook his head. Scott  _ knew _ that something was wrong. Gordon  _ never _ backed down from a challenge, especially not something he knew could win. Time to switch tactics, then. Pull out the big guns. Go right for the kill.

“How about this,” Scott started, stretching an arm out in front of him. “You win, I head back inside and you get eternal bragging rights.” Gordon’s lips twitched, and Scott gave himself a small pat on the back in his head. “I win, you eat the protein bar  _ and _ you tell me what’s been bothering you.”

Gordon looked at him out of the corner of his eye, brow furrowed. “Huh?”

Scott sighed, hunching over slightly to try and catch his brother’s full gaze. When Gordon looked just past him, Scott shook his head. Guess it was full throttle forward, then.

“Since when do you want to fly?”

Scott watched as Gordon’s eyes widened slightly, finally locking onto his own for a brief second before they slipped away again. Gordon gave a nonchalant shrug, but Scott saw him tense as he drew in a sharp breath. The protein bar was danger of being squashed.

“What do you mean?”

Rolling his eyes, Scott leant back on his hands, feet giving a small kick in the pool. “You  _ hate _ flying,” he said. “I remember dad trying to teach you when we were younger and you hating every second. Even getting you to co-pilot Thunderbird Two was a hassle, and I know for a fact that you still don’t enjoy it.”

“I enjoy it!”

Even Gordon didn’t look convinced as he twisted around to look fully at Scott. Scott inwardly smirked, but simply raised an eyebrow in response. Gordon deflated almost instantly.

“Yeah, alright, so maybe I  _ don’t _ like flying.”

“Figured as much,” Scott snorted.

“It’s weird,” Gordon shook his head. “At least if you fall out in water, it’ll catch you. Air isn’t dense enough for that.”

“Then why are you pretending to enjoy it?”

Amber eyes slipped away again. “I’m not.”

This was how it was going to go down, then, was it? Scott counted to five in his head before he spoke, sitting up once more.

“What about the comment about making Thunderbird Four into a rocket so that it could go into space?” Scott asked.

Gordon visibly winced. The protein bar was instantly ruined.

“Asking to borrow Thunderbird One? Acting like you were giving up your precious toy when Virgil asked for control of Thunderbird Two back from you after that panda rescue?"

Scott watched as Gordon’s jaw worked, his whole body tense.

“And since when have you wanted to fly dad’s rocket? You went with him once in Tracy One and if I remember correctly, promptly threw up upon landing that thing.”

Swallowing, Gordon hunched forward, letting the tips of his fingers dangle and play softly in the water. Scott watched, waiting, knowing that pushing Gordon would only make him clam up more. Talking about things with him was like fishing; it was a lot of dangling the bait and waiting for something to bite, then slowly, carefully, reeling it in before letting it go again.

While Scott didn’t particularly enjoy fishing, he did enjoy being a big brother. And having four younger brothers tended to give him infinite patience when it came to things like this. He and Gordon may not have been the closest out of the five of them all, but that didn’t mean he cared about Gordon any less than the others.

He watched, waiting, as Gordon worked himself up to talk. Scott was momentarily worried that he wouldn’t say anything, that this would be one time that Gordon would keep everything to himself, but the moment passed as Scott’s brother sighed and sat back up, water dripping from his fingers and making small, soundless splashes in the pool.

“He was really mad about that,” Gordon said softly, watching the water droplets. “I got vomit all over the control panel.”

“He wasn’t mad,” Scott rolled his eyes. “He was  _ concerned _ .”

The snort that Gordon gave was so out of left field, Scott blinked. What he said next had the elder Tracy even more floored.

“Yeah, well… he had a funny way of showing it.”

It wasn’t often that Scott found himself speechless. He had had years of practice when it came to finding the right words for the right situation, whether it be in the field, in the Air Force, or at home. But right now, this current moment in time, Scott felt like he needed to document in history, because not only were the words Gordon was saying wrong, but the tone was completely out of character for the younger Tracy.

“Come again?”

Gordon sat up straighter, hands (protein bar utterly destroyed now) clenching the edge of the pool. Scott leaned back as Gordon sighed, eyes narrowed at the pool water. No sunlight remained in the sky, stars twinkling faintly against the dark of night, almost as afraid as Scott wouldn’t admit to being by his brother’s attitude.

“Oh, please,” Gordon scoffed, eyes sliding to glance at the brunette again. “It’s a well known fact that dad and I and  _ never _ got along, not really.”

Scott felt anger, a default emotion, flare up; something lingered beneath the surface of that rage that he did not want to delve into at this moment.

“Hey, now, that’s not-”

“Cut the crap, Scott,” Gordon snapped, finally turning his head to glare at him full on. “We all know it’s true, deep down. Dad and I were too different, we had nothing in common.”

Scott met Gordon’s glare with one of his own. “Gordon, that-”

“It is so true!” Gordon exclaimed. “And you can say what you want, believe what you want. But the  _ truth _ of the matter is that out of all of us? I was dad’s least favorite son.”

Scott felt a panic surface under the anger that he had no idea where it came from. He had no idea where Gordon was getting this idea, he had no idea what was happening, and not knowing anything was making him  _ nervous _ and then he felt  _ angry _ that he didn’t know and he was  _ angry _ at Gordon for thinking these things and he was  _ angry _ at dad for leaving and for-

Scott paused, his anger slowly ebbing away as a thought slowly worked its way into his head.

“That’s not true at all…” he said softly. “Dad loved you just as much as the rest of us.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Gordon sneered, and Scott had to fight to keep his calm. “Dad was just going through the motions. Putting on a  _ show _ . But I was always the one left behind, the one who doesn’t fit in, the one who likes to  _ swim _ instead of  _ fly _ !”

With that last word, Gordon reeled back and sent the now decimated protein bar through the air and into the pool water, where it landed with a small  _ splish _ and bobbed on the surface, crushed beyond all recognition. It sat on the surface for a moment before disappearing under the chlorinated blue water.

Scott felt like it was a fitting metaphor for what his heart currently looked like.

Because Gordon was  _ grieving _ .

Scott could have smacked himself with how long it took him to get this. He was almost ashamed. He had heard the conversation between Virgil and Alan on the way back from Mars. He and John often sat up at nights Scott couldn’t sleep and talked about their father. He had even talked with Kayo and Grandma on a few occasions while waiting for the rest of the family to get back from a rescue. And he knew that Virgil and John had talked about dad a few times, and he was almost positive that John had talked with Alan after Virgil’s conversation with him.

But for the life of him, Scott couldn’t remember a single instance where he had sat down and talked about their father with Gordon. And no one else had mentioned doing it either.

Had they really forgotten that Gordon was also missing dad? That there was a brother who, though he wore a smile and made everyone else laugh, was also suffering the loss of a parent?

Gordon was still young when their mother died. While not as young as Alan, who barely remembered her, he wasn’t quite old enough to have the same quality of memories as the rest of them. Scott knew for a fact that Gordon’s earliest memory took place only about two years before their mother passed.

And it was true that, growing up, Gordon’s interests hadn’t really fallen in with the rest of the family’s. Their father had nurtured his son’s love for water, and never thought down on it, but Scott couldn’t remember a time, especially in the past few months, where one of them had done something with Gordon. Even their father, who had tried to cater to Gordon’s love of water, still managed to somehow push it to the side as his love for speed and space took over.

“You miss dad…” Scott said softly, reaching up and putting a comforting hand on Gordon’s shoulder.

“... yeah…” Gordon breathed after a moment, sucking in a deep breath.

Scott felt his heart fully break and removed his hand so that he could wrap his arm around his little brother. Gordon leaned into him with little resistance, turning his head into Scott’s shoulder as Scott raised his other arm to envelope Gordon in a hug.

“Oh, Gordy…” he muttered, pressing his mouth against the top of Gordon’s hair. He felt Gordon give a small shudder and then, like magic, a small spot of wetness on his shirt.

“You all have this great connection to him,” Gordon whispered. “John loves space like him, Alan loves flying like him, Virgil understands mechanics like him… You  _ look _ like him. I mean, hell, Scott, even Penny and Parker and Kayo have deeper connections with him than I do, and, like, I know, I know, I’m still his son but dad and I never… we never really…” he sniffed. “He and I never really saw eye to eye.” Gordon shrugged.

Scott sat, a cold feeling washing over him as he listened to his brother. Was this what Gordon thought?

“Sooo…” Scott coughed, trying to maintain a cool that he didn’t possess. “You… want to fly because you think you’ll be closer to dad…?” He was grasping at straws.

Gordon shrugged again, face still buried in Scott’s shoulder. “I guess. I don’t know.” He took a deep, steadying breath. It was a few minutes before he seemed to be able to control his voice without it wavering. “This is stupid, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Hey, no, wait.” Scott felt an urgency overcome him. He reached down and placed his hands on his little brother’s shoulders, gently prising him away and holding him at arm’s length. He removed one hand to give Gordon’s chin a small tap up when the blond refused to look at him.

It was important that Gordon understood this.

“This is not stupid, kiddo,” he said, red-rimmed amber eyes wavering across Scott’s face. “ _ You _ are not stupid. None of this is stupid. What  _ is _ stupid, is  _ me _ . For only just realizing that dad’s disappearance and that this entire situation is affecting you just as much as the rest of us.”

And Gordon, for all his smiles and laughter and jokes and, what Scott was only just realizing, incredible  _ strength _ (that’s not true, he already knew that, thanks to an old, horrific accident years ago, but he’d rather forget that, thanks), merely managed to give out a choked sob, his bottom lip trembling in a way Scott hadn’t seen since Gordon was seven and had smacked his head on the end of the diving board on the way into the pool. Scott let go of Gordon’s chin and wrapped his arms around him once more.

Scott wasn’t sure how long he sat there, offering long overdue comfort to a brother who was so strong that no one had thought to look at the cracks that were forming as a result. But eventually Gordon’s shaking stopped, his ragged breathing ceased, and the broken protein bar popped back up to the surface of the pool.

Eventually, Gordon pulled away from Scott, rubbing his eyes and under his sniffling nose. Scott let him go and sat next to him, a silent support as the rock of the family used him to patch himself back up. When he had composed himself, the two brothers sat side by side, feet dangling in the pool, watching the protein bar float lazily on the water in comfortable silence.

“So I can use that later, right?” Gordon asked.

Scott looked at him, confused. “Hmm? Use what?”

The wicked grin Gordon gave him wasn’t quite it usually was, but it was a start, at least.

“The stupid comment. I can hold you to it, right?”

It was a loaded question. Scott could feel, in the energy around them, that how he answered this question was very important. Gordon was attempting to find his footing again, and Scott himself was stumbling as well. But as long as he answered this question the right way, he knew that they would both stand up tall once more.

So he dug down deep and followed his Big Brother Gut and let out a groan, tipping his head back and closing his eyes.

“I knew I should have gone with a different word.”

Gordon spread his hands out in defense, smirking. “You said it.”

“I did, didn’t I…”

“Soo…”

“What?”

“Can I use it later?”

Scott opened his eyes and locked them onto Gordon’s, seeing the urgent need for equilibrium to be established. Neither of them did well in zero gravity, and Scott gave a sigh that he knew Gordon could see right through.

He held up his index finger. “You get one. That’s it, Gords.  _ One _ . Use it wisely.”

The relief that shone in Gordon’s eyes washed over Scott.

“I’ll take it.”

“You’d better.”

Gordon opened his mouth to reply, but his stomach growled out a response for him. Scott laughed at the surprised expression that graced Gordon’s face, pulling his legs out of the water and standing up.

“Come on, fish,” he chuckled, holding out a hand to help Gordon up. His brother took it. “Let’s feed the beast before it wakes Grandma and she tries to shove dinner down your throat.”

“Oh, yeah, no thanks,” Gordon said, following him into the lounge. “What’d you have for dinner, anyway?”

Scott shuddered at the memory as they entered the kitchen. “Meatloaf, without the surprise. I don’t know where she gets these recipes.”

“Hmm… sounds stupid.”

Scott paused, then turned around to face Gordon, who had the decency to look innocent for half a second before a true grin graced his face.

“You just couldn’t hold onto it, could you?”

Gordon laughed and swung himself up on the counter. “It was too good, bro.”

As Scott opened the fridge to find something edible, Gordon’s light chatter washing over him like a comfortable blanket, he ignored the protein bars tucked in the back of the fridge.

**Author's Note:**

> I got SUPER lazy with the ending.
> 
>  
> 
> HOW 'BOUT THAT TRAILER, THO, HUH?!


End file.
